TRADITIONAL CAPITALISMYou have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.
SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour.
COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.
FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.
EUROPEAN UNIONISM
You have 2 cows.
The EU takes one because otherwise you would be ‘over-quota’ in milk production, milks it, stores the milk in the form of milk powder in warehouses all over Europe so an not to perversely depress the global price of milk, taxes you to the hilt via your national Government and then gives the money to people who don’t produce milk in exchange for their commitment to continue not producing milk.
CAPITALISM ACCORDING TO INVESTMENT BANKERS
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt-for-equity swap with an associated public offering so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
You sell one cow to pay yourself a massive bonus, leaving you with nine cows.
When you file for bankruptcy the Government bails you out as what you have done is so complicated that no one knows what the consequences would be if they let you go bankrupt.
The Government then takes the credit for saving the economy while the public is forced to buy your bull.
SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.
A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you wish you had more.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You bred cows at a rate faster than anyone would have believed and sold them all over the world.
Now you have to recall hundreds of thousands of cows due to a milking problem and explain yourself before a Senate committee in the US. However, there is a possibility of you getting off by blaming the udder guy.
A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month and milk themselves.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don’t know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.
A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.
AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least you are now a Democracy.
AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.
A FOOTBALL CORPORATION
You don’t have any money but you would like some cows.
You borrow massive amounts of money from a bank securitised against the value of the cows you then buy.
You pay the cows vast sums of money to play football only to find they are not really very good at it.
When the money runs out you go bankrupt, but it doesn't really matter as you paid yourself fabulously and can now afford to retire.
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